Rather than act as a careful investor, happy marriage partners throw open the doors of the storehouse and give kindness, help, and goodness.” (Gottman, 107)
How can we throw open the doors of kindness and goodness? It starts with us. I think the most applicable and accurate statement made by Gottman in his book is that equity is a destructive principle. Once we have given our all, and we should not expect an equitable reply. We consecrate ourselves in marriage when we dedicate our entire love to our spouse, with no strings attached.
My wife and I have had a fairly easy time communicating our troubles, needs, and trials throughout our marriage. But beyond that, one way that I try to “consecrate” myself to her is by paying attention to her love languages.
I’ve begun to learn that words of affirmation and gifts are great love languages to her. Not so shockingly, my “love languages” are quite the opposite. The great irony of marriage is this, most couples have the opposite love languages. If we aren’t careful, we’ll guide our daily interactions based on the languages that WE desire, rather than what our spouse needs. For example, if physical affection isn’t a love language for your spouse, insisting on regular hugs when they’re feeling stressed or overwhelmed probably isn’t the answer. (Note to self)
Gottman states an metaphor so eloquently, it’s hard to imagine a better analogy. When the Savior knelt in Gethsemane, He himself asked for His burdens to be lifted, yet He never gave up, He continued forward and consecrated himself to God’s plan.
When the going gets tough in marriage, will we give up? Will we quit when times get hard or when things aren’t going our way? When our spouse has wronged us, or the relationship seems doomed, will we give in? The Savior himself knows what it’s like to be given a task that seems too hard, too painful, and seemingly unachievable. However, He carried on. Certainly, we can lean on Him and His atonement to carry us through the tough times.
Three days is all it took. Three long, horrifying, glorious, tumultuous days. But as the black clouds cleared, Easter morning came. He overcame physical and spiritual death. Because of Him, we are able to overcome all things.
For our own lives, the tough times will undoubtedly last beyond three days. Luckily, our experiences in life will not be even a fraction of what He endured. The Savior bore His cross alone so that we wouldn’t have to.
As we consecrate ourselves to our spouse and throw open the doors of kindness and love, we’ll feel God’s helping hand in growing closer to a more holy and perfect union. God has established marriage as the ultimate proving ground – the final test – to make us into what He knows we can be.
It was never meant to be easy. Eternal blessings require enduring effort.
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