My relationship with my in-laws definitely started out in a strange place. When my wife and I started dating, she had been a member of the church for just over 2 years, and her conversion to the church had caused quite a rift in their family. Her parents and grandparents were deeply hurt by her decision and concerned that she was going to live a life that would be filled with differences, cultural boundaries, and exclusion.
After they had just started to get used to the idea of her being a member, we started dating. Then, once we decided to get engaged, we decide to forgo the usual “go ask Dad for permission” talk. Instead, she and I sat down across the kitchen table from her Dad AND her mom, to break the news of our eventual engagement and temple marriage.
We communicated that we were planning on getting married in the temple. And granted, this was during the time where an out-of-temple marriage meant waiting a year or longer to be sealed. We had prayed and fasted and felt like a temple marriage was what God wanted, and what we wanted. However, this meant nobody in her family could attend.
We tried our best to appease their concerns, but ultimately they felt very hurt by our decision. Because of this, nobody from my wife’s immediate or extended family attended our wedding, sealing, or reception.
Looking back, I can completely empathize with how they (and everyone else) felt and would have likely felt the same way if I were in their shoes. However, I love them for it, because though in their eyes, we did something in spite of their feelings, they continued to love us anyway. While I wish they could have been to our wedding and the other festivities, to have shared that day together, I realize that a wedding day isn’t that important in the grand scheme of life and our eternal lives.
My wife and I take solace, and a little humor in the fact that though they didn’t attend our sealing/wedding, we will someday attend theirs. 🙂
Even though they didn’t choose to attend our wedding day, they embraced us as a married couple and treated us no differently than had we simply eloped. Though we’ve never spoken it, I feel a sense of forgiveness from them, and love them for that.
Over time, our relationship grew closer, and eventually, we moved in with them for about 18 months, shortly after the birth of our first child. Our move-in was planned, and helped us save up money for a house. However, we definitely didn’t plan to live there for 18 months, but after deciding to build a house (rather than just buy one), our 4 month stay turned to 18.
Luckily, through this time together, we were able to draw closer and become a lot more cohesive. While it was difficult to feel like our marriage was still within that “invisible” fence, we tried hard to maintain boundaries while still feeling like a cohesive family unit.
To me, my relationship with my in-laws has grown to a deep love and appreciation for them. It’s not superficial or cordial, we’re close and I feel like I can be my complete self around them. Something I didn’t feel comfortable with before we had moved in with them. My relationship with them is important to me, for a couple of different reasons.
I don’t believe that I can fully come to understand my wife until I’ve tried to understand her parents. After having lived with them, and seen them in all their emotions, elements, etc. It’s allowed me to better understand my wife’s personality, what makes her tick, why she is the way she is, and to love her more because of it.
I feel like a received a crash-course on her childhood, and it’s allowed me to better sync-up with her expectations and emotions on a deeper level.
Another reason my in-law’s relationship is so important to me is that I know we’ll be an eternal family someday. While they may not be members of the church, my wife and I have a strong testimony that they will one day accept the gospel, even though it will most likely be in the next life.
Since I know that our relationship is eternal and that it’s not just a superficial part of being married, I’ve grown to love and appreciate them for who they are, what they believe, and what makes them unique.
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